saviors to death—
by ChappiRuki
Summary: —only to each other. one-shots.
1. brighter, to the future

a/n: set after when isshin tells ichigo his mom is a quincy

* * *

"Hey, Mom."

He pauses, clears his throat, and presses on.

"I...I heard from Dad about you being a Quincy and hollow and...

"Well, I just wanted to say, it doesn't change anything—I mean, you're still my mom and I'm just—just..." he pauses, teeth grinding together, "I'm still sorry, sorry for not saving you that night."

He stares directly at his mother's gravestone, hoping that his mom would hear his next few words:

"I don't blame you."

He pauses, foolishly waiting for a sign, _anything_, so he would know she was all right, was not—he shakes his head and looks back at the grave.

"I'm thankful that you raised me and gave me that power to protect even more people, and I'll keep protecting. Forever," he pauses, a little red in the face, which worsens as he rambles, "Rukia, you really should meet her sometime, she awakened my powers first too, to protect my family."

He glances off and visibly pales as he finally notes _her _(she heard me- his face is a tomato; shitshit_shit)._

"Well, as you can see, here is Kuchiki Rukia." She says (not in a sweet voice), ignoring his gawking face and directly facing his mother.

She bows.

"Pleased to meet your acquaintance, Masaki-san. Your son_ finally_ finished talking unimpressively"—he protests; she ignores him—"and has at last formally introduced me to you, although indirectly as it is." She gives him a slight pinch out of spite.

"I thank you," she pauses, her throat tightening with memories; she clears it, "for raising and giving birth to Ichigo. Although he is full of flaws, burdens, arrogance, and many more that'd take too long to say"—he glares at her—"your son protects and still protects everyone."

"Without him, all of Soul Society would be dead."

He winces, "You shouldn't say that so easily."

Her eyes travels to his. "It's the truth and you know it, besides," she smirks, "you're here aren't you?"

His eyes widen for a moment before he grins. "Yeah, I am."

"Then don't make that stupid face over something that didn't happen," she says with an amused smile."_Baka_."

"Idiot."

"Fool."

"_Chappy fanatic._"

She elbows him and he reflexively dodges. She momentarily pauses, then resumes attacking Ichigo.

"Do not insult Chappy," she spits out in between air kicks.

Ichigo blocks her foot and raises an eyebrow. "And if I continue...?"

"Well then," Rukia smiles icily, "I'll consult with Isshin-san to make your life _miserable_."

He gawks, then sputters, "Are you se—" -she smacks his hand away- "hey, get back here dammit!"

Ichigo turns back and gives a quick, reassuring smile to his mother-

-and runs off.

...

...

...

* * *

a/n: another scenario that i thought of but decided that over this:

"Idiot."

"Fool."

"Snow white."

She quirks an eyebrow. "Who's that?"

"Just some name Kubo gave you while you fought that idiot Quincy," Ichigo explains nonchalantly.

She gives him a blank stare. "What?"

"There is something in this world called the internet," he says sarcastically.

Rukia rubs her temples, muttering along the lines of "more human phenomenons" and stalks off angrily. Half-way she stops and turns around with a determined fury.

"_You_ are going to tell me about it and teach it to me."

Ichigo grumbles (_how_ _troublesome_) and follows after her.


	2. think too much

a/n: reference is Bleach Movie 3, or Fade to Black; kinda ooc

* * *

Rukia settles herself on a branch and looks out to the glow of the sunset and the red, blue, pink, purple. Nature nearly always surpasses her expectations when it came to beauty—a beauty in which she'd engross herself in for hours and never look away.

(that was her world when _he_ was alive)

She crosses her arms and watches the sun settle down. Rukia watches in contemplative silence, traveling back to priceless past memories. Like always, she ends up remembering and reviving _all_ of her memories whether she wanted to or not at this place.

(a moment where she allowed herself to break once in a while)

Night comes and engulfs her with it. She relaxes and stares up at the glowing moon, and the question lingering comes back stronger.

_why wasn't I able to save him..._

She lifts both of her hands and stares condescendingly at them, disgusted with how naive she had been back then, how she had let fear taken control over her own body.

(or, how she hadn't allowed herself to save Kaien-dono)

She crosses her arms tightly and wills herself to piece back together again.

When she had been saved by Ichigo (_again_), when she'd not only turned hollow and insane but also attacked him mercilessly, he had been able to save her by simply plunging a sword into her like what she had done the first time they'd met. When she remembers those moments, when she pieces her past with that moment—

She feels the tiniest, _tiniest_ urge of jealousy and rage:

(of course she'd ignored the plague: avoiding it for so long that it never went away and would eventually swallow her whole)

-unfair that his sword (so full of _fear_) not only didn't kill or injure her, but also (a sword so _clearly_ determined) saves her, with not _one_ ounce of fear.

She remembers that the only time she's felt like that as well is the first time they'd met as well- so why. _why?_

(why could she not do the same for Kaien-dono, why was she not able to save him like Ichigo had done for her, like _she'd_ done for Ichigo, just why why _why_—)

_slap_

Her cheeks throb as she slowly lets her hands drop, sweat dripping down the side of her face.

She inhales deeply, and exhales.

She stares up at the moon again and glowers at it. She absolutely despises it for letting her travel aimlessly in this abyss of weakness.

Rukia looks down and breathes slowly, willing herself to calm her rapidly beating heart, forcing the protective wall to come back that she always holds up. Once her heart rate slows, she jumps off the tree and stares down. She chuckles humorlessly.

_This_ is where she had killed him. That moment of hell strikes out from her heart and replays before her eyes over, and over, and _over_: his warm blood flows down her sword and arms, his dead weight against her body, the blowing sensation that he was gone.

The treachery she had committed and the sin she would carry it forever, regardless if she died and was reborn anew. She'd always carry his heart with her (otherwise he would die permanently and that, _that_ was just unthinkable).

(always)

Rukia turns and walks away, returning to Soul Society. Her expression does not change when she notes Ichigo's reiatsu is exactly where she's heading. Close enough, and she sees him: leaning against a tree with his arms behind his head. He opens an eye and looks at her unfazed expression, then he frowns and walks over.

"Was there really a need to hurt yourself?" Ichigo asks with annoyance (coating the worry up); he cradles her face and reminds himself to learn some healing kido.

She considers slapping his hand away, but knowing that this is him just worrying, she settles with a rebuke: "This isn't hurting fool, and it's just red because I fell for a moment."

Ichigo doesn't say anymore and instead just catches her sight, sending empathy in which only they can understand death and the pain of carrying it (though he doesn't know who it is or what happened or how and he thinks it's kind of unfair that _she_ knows his part but-)

"I'll wait," he says, "since I owe you one."

Rukia smirks. "You've learned well, though I don't think you can wait long."

He scoffs. "Must you _always_ ruin the moment?"

"Of course," she smiles, they'd always be there to carry each other's burdens, and that-

-that's more than enough_._

Rukia's flash of gratitude disappears within the next as her hand punches his shoulder. "Don't be such a sap," she scolds gently, not knowing whether her words are directed it at herself or him.

"Who's the sap," Ichigo scowls as he winces and rubs his throbbing shoulder.

"You are, fool," Rukia rolls her eyes, "Why else would an overprotective idiot who can't hide his reiatsu follow me? Or, could you be here to _kidnap_ me?"—she gasps dramatically and raises her hand to her mouth—"oh, Kurosaki-_kun_! I never knew that _you_ could do such—!"

He swiftly picks her up over his shoulder in mid-sentence and lightly says with a tone of seriousness, "You're absolutely right."

She stills and relaxes in the next second.

"Idiot," she says quietly with an affectionate tone.

They walk in silence.

* * *

_Omake_

"Damn you Ichigo, put me down!" She swings her knee into his stomach just as he quickly blocks it and smirks at her fury—until she leans closer to his face with an icy glare. "Put. Me. Down."

After a long moment of glaring, he sighs, and let's her free herself and jump off. She lands and walks off to the Seireitei with such pride that only the Kuchiki could pull off. He laughs, she ignores him and walks faster. Mischief sprouts in his eyes, he matches his pace with hers within seconds. She walks faster, he walks faster; she shunpoes, he shunpoes-

-and thus starts the game of chase.

* * *

Byakuya glances at the window and arches his eyebrow as he watches his pride and Ichigo shunpo. His eyebrows furrow in confusion. He shut his eyes and abruptly turns away from it, resuming his work.

Of _course_ the mongrel would bring back unwanted memories of that feline cat. He grips his brush tighter. _Of course_. He vigorously does the rest of his paper work.

He finishes it in less than an hour.

* * *

Yoruichi, perched on the balcony as a cat, observes the pair flash by her. Her eyes twinkle playfully as she rises and hops off towards the sixth division.

Needless to say, Byakuya is not pleased.

* * *

a/n: thx Loco, for the review


	3. just a guy with problems

a/n: au

* * *

_It's gray today._

_..._

He sighs and turns away from his smoggy window. He prepares himself for the day: suit, tie, and shoes and sets off for work.

Immediately people disperse away from him, from the permanent scowl on his face to his strange hair to the maniac yelling from the ancient phone he holds (and he answers is because last time he'd carried out his threat of arriving to his house in a full-out pink and bright outfit that scarred him and the rest of his neighbors for life)- not that he gives a fuck.

He enters the office building and turns on his computer. He waits and looks around with a scowl.

Today: another day of an empty building; _those lazy motherfuckers_, he mutters vehemently. A hard worker and a passionate lover of engineer and numbers and all those insanical-things-people-wouldn't-understand-at-heart: he couldn't understand how they could abandon a job they -_he- _loved.

A couple of hours passes and he gets his things before he walks to the cafeteria. He chews and looks blankly out the window. Again the people are tiny and the clouds are gray and the rain pours. He frowns further, pulls down the blinds and moves to a table farthest away from it (although he can still hear it, he grumbles).

Ten minutes in and he hears a door open and close, and he thinks it's Keigo who came just for the food, although he did say he was on vacation with hot babes.

He keeps eating.

Five minutes and he departs without leaving a single trace behind, like he'd never been there before. He goes to his cubicle and stops outside the door.

Someone is in there.

...

He opens the glass door and waits.

Said (_rude_) person continues to ignore him.

He goes to the front of his desk, opens his mouth-

_-what the hell?_

He stares into those huge and dark blue eyes, a blue darker than the sky and what reminds him of when night comes and it's glowing with stars and cliche shit like that.

She stands up straight without losing eye contact and keeps her mouth in a firm line, like she's determined to do something and-

-he's being pulled along by a really (_really_) strong grip on his arm by a shorter (_shorter? what the-_) girl and he can't understand what the hell is going on- _it's fucking cold_.

He stomps on his heels to deter the girl's strong steps and to get the fuck out of the pouring rain that's making him blind as fuck, but the girl keeps walking forward and forward and forward and it feels like there's no end to wherever the hell they're going.

Still half-blinded by rain and still being tugged along by the girl, he gives up struggling and let's her guide him.

Then, they stop.

He catches his breath and looks around, shielding the rain from his eyes- no girl in sight, but there's plenty of rain, and he's still cold and he thinks he'll be sick tomorrow-

a sakura petal falls.

...

He stares at it and notes the sakura trees and catches a tiny whiff of a scent that someone's been praying here recently though it's been drowned by the rain too and- _ah._ he sinks to his knees. of_ course_.

It says:

_Masaki Kurosaki_

_1975-2010_

_A loving mother to three and a loving wife to one_

(it doesn't say: she died in a murder case, because of her son.)

He pauses, and thinks he hasn't visited for a long, long time; he looks next to it, and sees her grave as well:

_Rukia Kurosaki_

_1990-2015_

_A wife to one and only one_

(it doesn't say: she died in the hospital, because of him.)

He'd imagined so many things: agonizing guilt, screams, anguish, tears, but he feels slightly more calm than he's ever been.

(strange)

He's always been afraid of coming back, slightly because his body won't move then, slightly because he's afraid and doesn't _think_ he can move forward-

(-but he _can_.)

He remembers how his breath was caught and how he furiously pushed back the possibility that Rukia was alive in his office, or maybe she's a ghost that wanted him to remember her, or maybe-

-it's an apparition formed by his own real desire to see her again, even if it means confronting with the fact that he's old and sick and tired- too tired to move on really; _excuses, excuses_, she'd say with a frown, you just don't _want_ to, you masochistic fool.

He'd say: I have no problem with it, so I'll just keep being that way- besides, it's not like the pain I feel is a bad thing, and I'm still living on with a great job and all and- it's not your fault I quit being a surgeon. I just felt like it was time to move on to what I wanted to be.

(liar, liar, _liar, _she screams to deaf ears, just fucking move-)

He rises, still wet, still under rain drops, still cold as hell, but he gets up and walks away.

He'd come back again.

(or not, he muses, his last thought as a car ran over him and he blacks out)

...

...

...


	4. dreams vs (dark) save

a/n: rated m; details of sex parts; if ya can't handle it, don't read (yes, i'm telling this to specifically you your majesty xD)

* * *

...

...

...

..

.

She wakes up, tears flowing down her cheeks. She rubs her eyes in confusion and can't remember what dream she had that'd cause her to cry, or why her heart feels so heavy. _No matter_, she thinks, _it's just a dream._

(and it is)

She sighs and looks to her phone, grouchy as soon as it reads 5:45 am. She puts an arm over herself and decides she hates mornings; and falls back asleep.

.

..

...-

_knockknock_

Her ears make her aware to the annoying sound. She continues to lie.

_knock__knockknockknock_

She mutters a curse (who the _fuck_ could be so early this morning_?_) and rises unsteadily.

_knockknockknockknockknockknockknockknock-_

She opens the door groggily and rubs her eyes first before looking up, up and up at the person before her- and everything stops.

Reflexes kick in and she shuts the door quickly, but not quick enough to prevent strong hands plus a foot to block it from closing (because that's how much energy was needed to stop a tiny woman from slamming the door in front of his face).

She considers grabbing her gun and threatening him to get the fuck off but deletes that thought when she thinks how her brother would not be pleased with another scandal concerning with a Kurosaki, and that she'd tarnish the Kuchiki name because of her reckless action; and if she let's him stay outside for any longer time than this-

-the media will photobomb him, which turns into a scandal, which turns into trouble with brother, which turns into hell.

(basically she's fucked)

So she sighs and opens the door wide enough for him to get in.

Not a single word is passed as she shuts the door, and even without looking she can feel his heated gaze on her, making her more wary, more self-conscious, and heated, and she has to restrain herself from licking her lips and smashing herself against him and- well _fuck._

She's turned on.

(ahh this is why she _despises_ this man)

...

..

.

It's when her legs are wrapped around him and he's lowered down next to her ear and breathing and pushing hard that she gasps that she remembers her dream now.

He stops and lifts up, brushing away her tears with a worried gaze that burns her and makes her _feel_ and she really, really doesn't want to-

She slaps his hands away and puts them on her breasts and squeezes them and pushes forward to meet his dick all the way; he grunts and puts her legs on his shoulders and pushes harder and faster that she loses her mind and forgets-

-but the heavy feeling never goes away.

...

...

...

(she'd dreamed that he was her husband and not Ichigo and that she was the perfect wife who didn't want Ichigo, who didn't _fall_ for Ichigo and only tended to her husband's needs and husband's wants and husband this, husband that, husband-

-god, that would've been a terrible and wonderful life of nothingness)

* * *

a/n: thank you guest2 :)


	5. explode

a/n: moody

* * *

She's happy with her friends, despite living poorly and unfashionably that others would cringe at the depravity of her place, she's happy that they can laugh together, steal together, run together, everything together and real.

(but it's her home)

* * *

She learns quickly that home quickly falls apart by strangers and friends betraying and dying and leaving and dying, dying, dying.

(they all eventually die, but the stronger ones survive longer)

* * *

She doesn't know whether it's a curse or luckiness that she and Renji are the last ones alive in the surrounding graves. His gaze is full of sorrow and it prompts her to say: _let's become shinigamis together_ to not lose anyone anymore so they'll know how to protect.

(and yet what sounds beautiful to them isn't the message really, it's the indication to get the fuck out of here before they too, die-

-though she thinks they're accursed to live anyways)

He agrees whole-heartedly.

...

...

...

...

A season later and she re-visits her friends laying in their graves again on a shinigami patrol. She sits and tells her story:

* * *

Renji is no longer by her side since the day she's admitted to the Kuchiki.

She sees through him, she knows that he wants her life to be better since it's the Kuchiki, even so, the words stab through her as he says empty words that hold too much weaponry and cowardice and fear (and these, these pathetic characteristics aren't who she remembers), so she _has_ to leave-

(-or go crazy)

She looks back now and wonders why, if she knew exactly what he's saying, why she left him. She stares at the graves sitting in front of him and ironically, she knows: Renji and the rest, they never meant much to her after all, not enough to save (save _me_), not enough to chase after.

He's (they) no longer family. no longer someone she can depend.

She should've known he'd die in her heart too.

* * *

One day, she screams. The screams bring in all the Kuchiki servants and the elders and people people and people who don't give two fucks about her unless her "brother" helps. They hold her down and punch her in places where her "brother" can't see until she's numb and she doesn't feel anymore.

She stops.

They leave her on the floor and agree to keep it a secret since it's such a disgrace to the Kuchiki name.

She fucking hates them all-

-yet she doesn't blame them.

(contradictions, contradictions, contra-)

She stops and sinks into numbness.

* * *

Strangely, even in the hell she is in, even if she hates it so much, she still strives to please her "brother", even the Kuchiki.

Why else would she stay quiet in meetings and obey them all and not say a word against any of them even if she strongly disagrees with them- _ah_, of course.

Her heart died.

* * *

It isn't until she gets a seat in the 13th division that she speaks up (albeit politely, unlike the cursing in her head) against the Kuchiki.

Getting into that division had taken a large amount of work on her part, even though many believe it was due to her status and shit like that. Then the Kuchiki decides they don't want her, a girl, to go into that work force and should just be married off to the men they've gathered.

Something had switched off, and she'd spoke sharply and clearly enough for them to shut up and back off, maybe it's the Kuchiki glare she'd developed after receiving it so many times from the entire Kuchiki clan (though it was mostly a lack of faces or ignorance); either way, they shut up.

And she's happy.

* * *

But then once she gets in, she finds herself ostracized again, and she should be used to it, she really should-

-it doesn't hurt any less though.

Then Kaien-dono pops out of nowhere and it's the first time in a long time that she's treated normally and benevolently and it feels like home again.

She's happy.

* * *

She doesn't know when but she develops a liking towards him, really does, but-

-he has a wife.

(and her virtue is to never never never bring in trouble and trouble to Kuchiki clan and her brother and then hurt Kaien-dono and his wife. she'd never allow herself.)

So she holds the feelings in, and it's funny- how she admires his wife instead of feeling- no, there is a little she admits.

Even so, she's happy.

* * *

Then, he dies.

(she should've known that by now too.)

What she knows she wouldn't have known: she'd kill him herself, literally, and would still have the numbness and courage and stupidity to bring it to Ganju and Kuukaku Shiba.

The rain pours, and she's numb again.

* * *

Rukia stands up and stretches, and she looks back down at the tiny stones of a gravemark and the dead and turns away decisively without looking back.

...

...

A month later of hard, hard pushing and working and working and working and she wants a break from it all-

-so she decides to go to the World of Living.

* * *

a/n: tbc


	6. explode ii

a/n: don't usually get a chapter done for reviewers, but i felt like it today; this chapter is out for guest2 :)

* * *

And there, the last thing she expects is _more _trouble- but she gets it anyways.

(and she's not going to complain, because it's not her virtue and she knows she'll persist and go on. But _damn_, she's cursed to be troubled: she throws herself in front of the hollow)

But then the boy in front of him has something that _moves_ her for the first time in a long, long time- and she thinks: maybe, maybe for the first time, this trouble will be worth it.

She offers him a chance-

-and her trust.

...

It's hardly been a week but she feels at home despite the lies and the obvious deceptions she creates to live as a "human" and further away from a shinigami-

-or the cold, ruthless one anyways.

(she doesn't know if she's happy about it)

* * *

She thinks she'd be ok if she stayed (forever and ever and ever-), but she knows these days are short (she'd crossed off the days on the human calendar she'd purchased from Ichigo's wallet). She's not stupid- because she'll be forced to go back and probably be executed.

But it's not like she _doesn't_ want to die either; she could go to hell afterwards after all, pay her retributions for the rest of her life since it's not like she'd ever forget his death and her sin.

And she knows he'll probably be pissed off when he learns of this, and that he'll be sad for a while before he moves on- because she's someone to be forgotten (since birth, since the Kuchiki, since everything-).

Even so, she doesn't regret meeting Ichigo.

* * *

Then Orihime and the girls ask if she and Ichigo are together, suggesting the most ridiculous thing she's ever been asked before, as if she could be _human_ enough to function, much less date.

(but they don't know that so she can't blame them, she never blames others)

* * *

She doesn't know what to do.

_No, you do,_ she scolds herself as she watches him fight a disadvantageous battle and it's like watching the worst moment of her life all over again live.

He's bleeding and dying and she doesn't know if she could handle one more death on her plate-

-_no_, she stops firmly, _he won't die, he can't_.

(it's a stupid lie and conviction but damn, she'll lie all day right now to prevent herself from crippling him emotionally and never letting him part ways with a foul chapter in his life.

she'd never forgive herself then.)

.

She thinks the gods heard her when she finds Ichigo still breathing and living and _alive _(maybe she's finally earned her break). She immediately sets herself to healing his stomach -his worst wound- or he'd really die because of her lack of control of emotions of wanting to just hug him and cry forever.

(but she doesn't, the world's doing that for her and him already)

.

Rukia ponders after the fight settles between Ichigo and his mom's killer, and she's thinking about how the Shiba probably want to do that to her as well- except that they're holding back- ah, she chuckles bitterly, who is she to kid with herself- she'd been hiding from everything.

(well, before she's executed, maybe Soul Society will let the Shiba do the honor)

...

It's weird, that she'd bother to leave a note behind for them when she could just ask Urahara to deliver her message and to stick them to a room.

It's even weirder that she's so blinded by hope that he'll listen to her and do as she says, because he's known to do stupid things- and she knows that by now, she knows he won't take no, won't listen to her, won't let her-

(she stops it right there, and comes to terms that maybe she's leaving this for her own selfishness: she wants him to remember her, even if it's just a fragile piece of note)

.

As she runs through the streets, she's thinking so hard about her life here and how dangerously attached she is to this human world and how focused she is on her emotions that she doesn't notice Abarai or her "brother".

(or at least that's what Abarai thinks, she muses, it's actually: she runs in the open for them to see and to capture and kill her before Ichigo comes to find her- _ah_, she catches herself and sighs, she thinks he'll try and save her.

perhaps the note was just for that)

.

Other than the worry that the Quincy will die in that puddle, there's a simultaneous conflict of emotions: disappointment that it's not Ichigo and relief that it's not Ichigo.

(contradictions)

In the end, she'll never really understand herself after all.

Then Ichigo comes, and every trivial thought flies out of the air and all that's left is worry worry _worry _and_ you fucking idiot _and_ don't you dare die on me_.

.

Then the question the girls asked are back in her head as she faces Ichigo lying on the ground, cold and bleeding and probably about to die, but she figures Urahara, or someone, _someone_ has to save him-

-she'd have it no other way.

(she can only trust Urahara keeps his promise of keeping him alive and not saying a word to him about it or her situation- god she really hates having no control over her life.

then again she never could control it really, not all of it anyways-

-and certainly not Ichigo.)

...

...

It's a funny thing, that Abarai visits and talks to her now before she's about to be executed.

(she's bitter about it sometimes, but today isn't the day)

She watches him, and can feel the worry and concern ooze behind the teasing and banter and cover-ups and lies.

(but she doesn't want it, she doesn't want pity, especially not from him; she chooses to take this route, to let it happen without a fight)

_..._

_..._

_And certainly not Ichigo_, she muses to herself ironically after she hears of his arrival from Abarai. _What a fucking fool_, she thinks as she rubs away the moisture from her eyes, undeniably happy but undeniably anxious and nervous.

(if she were honest, this is ten times worse than his death- at least she could see it upfront)

* * *

tbc


	7. settle iii

His spiritual pressure is _stupidly _strong and piercing within all of Soul Society (and he's not even trying to hide it, the arrogant _fool_. He's defeated two so far (who didn't die either, _thank god_).

She waits quietly and gets it: it heightens, but this time: abnormally high, and it's close to something like anger- she freezes.

_Abarai?_

She knew he was eventually going to face him, but it's so _soon, _or: it's too early for her to deal with.

(then again, she wouldn't have felt any calmer anyways)

It's unreasonable, she_ knows_ it is, but she can't help but blame herself for all of this, if only she'd never let Urahara meet him, if only she hadn't left that note, if only, if only-

-she'd never met him and everyone and _he _would be safe.

.

Alhough he is no longer someone she cares for, although he is no longer her brother, much less a friend, she finds herself still hurting for the both of them like back in the Human World.

(it hurts)

And when Ichigo wins, she feels a swirl of gratefulness, relief, anger, and pain as Abarai lies on the floor and is picked up to be healed.

(she wants to hate him, blame him for everything and back then, but she can't, and eventually she comes to realize- the fault is on her.)

.

Then after ensuring that Ichigo is still alive and well, she notes he has two others with him- Hanataro (_...?_) and another familiar but forgotten one who seemed to accompany her in-

(who is he?)

* * *

Then, it's his spiritual pressure against a _monster's_ spiritual pressure and she. is._ panicking._

And she curses herself for not knowing his would-be killer, for working so hard to the limit that she didn't let herself stop and think that maybe, maybe she'd need it-

-though she knows she wouldn't have, having seen no hope in the future, and still not.

(hope, hope wasn't worth her time anymore- well, not her fate anyways)

.

A decade later of breathing and waiting and sweating and placing her palms against the walls like it'd knock down if she could just press _harder_\- his spiritual pressure falls rapidy.

She bangs on the wall with a fist in frustration and grits her teeth.

(someone save him, someone save him, _please save him-_)

-and she senses a strange spiritual pressure, but relaxes when she recognizes it to be someone from Urahara's store; and anyone from Urahara- they'd help him, they must've been the ones to get him here after all.

(_they have to_)

His spiritual pressure disappears altogether to somewhere she can't sense, but she, she thinks he's ok (because really, there's no other option).

.

Then the door swings wide open and she's stunned for a moment because it's _Hanataro_ and a man behind him that she doesn't know and doesn't care and all she wants to ask is if they're ok, if Ichigo's still alive and ok and-

-_shit_.

(well, she thinks resignedly, looks like i can't run away anymore.

he's right here; her nightmare: Shiba.)

.

And it's when he's holding her up with intense frustration and anger and everything exploding up in her face that the heavy feeling returns again and she wants to die.

She wants to die right_ now_.

But the Kuchiki mask doesn't show: she says it calmly and solemnly and almost breaks into anguish tears, and just, _angry_, when Hanataro gets him to stop and go out there to fight her "brother"- and everything stops and _she can't move_; it's all worry and concern and not-wanting-this-death-replayed-again.

(in the back of her mind: she hates relief)

* * *

When Ganju falls, all she can think is _why?_

_Why him, why not me, just-_

_-_and she feels it and stops thinking altogether, except: _Ichigo's here_.

(Byakuya, Urahara, Hanataro feel it immediately after)

.

Within a second, Ichigo comes flying out of nowhere, and before she can get her shit together he lands and she can't say anything except his name-

-he ignores her,

(and to this, she feels a thud in her heart, and it's a terrible feeling she's had more than anything in a long time)

and calls her name.

She hates how her heart beats again and how it's so _easy _to fall back with him again and how she forgets everything around him- the danger, the implications, the need to remain calm, the need to be a _Kuchiki_.

(after, she wonders what Byakuya really thinks of him now, despite him looking like Kaien and her thoughts of him dying like Kaien and how she doesn't want to see that-

-but really, she never once thought they were the same, and she hates him, for even suggesting that anyone could replace anyone else.

she just doesn't want to watch another die in front of her, far away from her, no one important _please_-)

.

She stares in shock as she watches Ichigo get stopped (violently she adds) by a stranger in the textbook she'd once studied, the traitor and ex-captain, Yoruichi Shihoin. She pauses and remembers her spiritual pressure, before: in Urahara's store, and the one who probably attended to Ichigo after defeating a monster.

(she relaxes, slightly)

Then he's taken away.

Her head spins with a thousand questions and worries and relief and anguish-

(the heavy spiritual pressure from all of them dissipates)

-she faints.

.

She wakes up after and immediately searches for Ichigo's reiatsu.

Nothing.

But she's very, very (eerily) calm, and she doesn't really know why- _ah, _she chuckles bitterly.

(so Ichigo holds the power to give her hope and take it away with him.

she hates vulnerability.)

.

Later, her intuition catches up with her: her execution date is within three days.

A peaceful feeling settles within her.

(or: a sign of loss and give up and emotionless)

...

...

Her peace is interrupted when the day arrives by that horrendous, sudden drop of his reiatsu from _Abarai_ and _he's dying_.

(what the _fuck_ is he doing? why is her "brother" next to him? why, why-

_-why is he dying?_)

The only explanation possible is that he's fighting, but why fight for her after all this time? Why is he even bothering to do so when he knows he can't win against her "brother"?

Nothing makes sense to her and she shuts it down and sticks onto Gin's slithering words because it has to be better, anything but not planned- but it's a mistake that only makes her head spin further and choke out a scream from her- from his words, and her thoughts and her sin and betrayal and-

-everything.

(if she dies, then all of this will go away. it _will_.)

* * *

tbc


	8. accept iv

She looks around, and she thinks it's the same as when she's spanked back in Rukongai in front of the public for stealing water. The people leered and spit at her and she was used to that- that not being the worst she received.

This time, it's her execution.

(and the emotions on all of those attending are level-headed, and this, she is used to as well, having been in the Kuchiki for so long)

She asks Yamamoto to excuse the Ryoka as her final wish and an empty word, _yes,_ leaves her at peace-

(though it's a lie and she knows it and knows it so clearly, but she has faith they'll escape and flee and be safe and-

-Urahara will do something; he'd promised her after all.)

.

It's a funny feeling to float up up up without doing anything herself, and it's the calmest feeling she's ever felt and the most resolute she's ever been.

She looks out ahead and the parts became a whole picture. Everything is small: the shinigami, the town, the buildings, the walls, Rukongai-

-and, her worries, fears, and existence.

And, the sky.

(it's the end of her life now and she finally sees that this world she had expanded until she went to the Human World and met them, and him.

she'd been looking for hope, and got it)

.

The flaming bird covers the view and she sees her death and her breathing slows, and memories of good and bad times all replay out in front of her.

(the monstrous bird screams)

She remembers the silent screams every time: leaving Renji, the Kuchiki, Kaien's death, Ichigo's near death, Renji's near death, the tower-

(the bird dives in)

-Ichigo coming (so stupidly, _arrogantly_-) and suffering and growing and-

-she's lived a pretty good life.

She shuts her eyes and a tear escapes her Kuchiki mask.

.

The intense heat remains, and she wonders if it's over already (painless and quick, not exactly as she envisioned since she deserved worse for ruining two people's lives and more, she adds on Renji and all those injured or not in this preventable battle) and that she's perhaps in hell, but why does she sense _his_ reiatsu-

-he stands in front of her proudly and showing-off with those flames behind him (and not for the first time, she thinks he really is just like the sun but _brighter_ now) like the arrogant idiot he is and she stares.

There's a new confidence in him and something stirs within her and she's almost, almost about to cry again.

(no one is close enough to see: he reaches out and wipes away the tear trail with a concerned look; she looks away with a pout and he laughs)

.

The bird pushes him and she remembers where they are. The familiar panic rises within her and she's not ready to watch him burn today (or any day, or _ever_) when it should be _her-_

-but of course, he doesn't listen and charges forward.

But, there's no silent scream within her, just the beating of her heart and his in sync, like they're in this together again like the first day she meets him- and they are in a way, and it's how he drags everyone else into his world and makes them all shine whether they like it or not.

(she too, has been affected by his stupidly outrageous confidence- but not enough to wash away the trepidation in her heart that still beats- and maybe it's from his too, however minuscule it is.

she supposes it'd always be like this.)

.

Then, the bird vanishes and there's relief and shock and- _Ukitake-taicho._

_(what?)_

She dies a little on the inside, and wonders why the hell he's helping when she knows how important Yamamoto-taicho is to him and that he'll betray her and it'll be terrible-

(_all this guilt and responsibility is crushing her and she can't take anymore of it-_)

-so it's Ichigo who she takes out her fears on as he (stupid stupid _stupid_) tries to undo the cage she buries herself in.

He shuts her up with his confidence and words and action and she knows what he's been saying-

-_he wants her to live, for herself_.

(she listens.)

.

It's a funny thing when Renji comes along because the first is relief that he's safe, and the second is that the enemies are half-defeated so she doesn't have to watch Ichigo fight them as well. But then she's thrown to Renji and forced to leave behind Ichigo and she's frightened still, to not watch over him closely and to leave him to be fed upon by the ruthless shinigamis and she _can't_.

(so again it's like being back in the tower and grasping onto his spiritual pressure from afar, except this time she can struggle and try to get out-)

-but it's Renji and he says the words without any cover-ups, and mostly because Ichigo fought off all except her "brother" that she quiets and focuses on Ichigo's spiritual pressure.

.

.

She notes that her heart still moves for her "brother; and that it pounds for the both of them and though it's probably impossible- she hopes they'll get out of the battle without one dead.

(although it hurts worse when Ichigo gets hurt)

.

She silently screams a _no _every time she feels him bleed more and more- wait.

His spiritual pressure changes, and it's violent and explosive and similar to when she watches him fight Renji- but ten times worse. She notes that Renji doesn't react, no one seems to.

(strange)

It's gone as soon as it comes, and really, all she can think is: he's still alive, somehow.

(she keeps her focus only on him, and forgets that maybe, just maybe, the danger will come for her and drag Renji into it)

.

.

She doesn't give a shit that Aizen is alive, she doesn't give a shit that three captains are no longer loyal, she doesn't care- just, she needs them and him, _alive_.

But she doesn't want him to watch and be conscious as her execution truly begins.

(because the still, fearful, helpless bitch she is right now -since now she allows herself to be weak, to want to _live_\- isn't supposed to be his last memory of her; hell, even Kaien got to say a few words to her that was so like him.

so why the fuck isn't it her turn?)

.

.

It's that empty feeling again, a distance away from the reality of it all- the hole, his words, everything, because then basically the whole orchestration led her to inevitably lead Ichigo to danger, _because she agreed and wanted more._

(selfish,selfish,selfish-)

She snaps out of it when the hole closes and finds the cold man with empty eyes ordering Gin to kill her, and she thinks it's a suitable death for her stupidity and naivety.

She catches Ichigo's eyes and softens her gaze at him as the blade nears: _don't worry, everything's going to be fine._

(it'd be her last lie)

.

And then, she screams out her brother's name when he takes the hit for her, and her head's spinning- until Aizen says to kill the both of them.

Something clicks in her and it's not the first she's felt this, but it's a long, long time ago in Rukongai when she protects her friends who became her siblings not long after and it's _protection _she feels as she stands between her brother and Aizen.

(still, there is fear and helplessness standing in her way)

.

.

.

She doesn't bother to look at anything else that happens because these important people in her arms and those lying on the ground all matter to her and they need to be healed.

(but she has no power)

So, all she can do is beg Unohana to heal her brother, and them. Unohana merely points at the boy and she sees Orihime putting Ichigo back together.

(a weight is lifted)

.

.

.

.

Somehow, the feeling of abandonment or connection doesn't click in her, despite Hisana being her sister and also being the one who abandoned her.

Nothing.

(and she thinks it's because there's no connection for her to start with, when she's a stranger to her)

But, her heart aches, when she thinks of all the time Byakuya suffered as she watched, and how selfish, naive, and afraid she is that she never bothered to _look_ at him and notice his pain.

(but, her crudeness kicks in, he didn't either, so it's even, yes, definitely-)

Her heart shatters when he says _sorry _to her of all the people he's hurt, and it's tunnel vision and all she wants to do is hug him closely to her heart and sob.

(she does, his hand and her hair covering the sight of her tears dropping to the ground)

.

She's saved, she _is_, but a day passes and she still can't get rid of the gloominess within her.

Friends worry about her and she doesn't know how to fake smile anymore, she can't.

There's still a door left behind her that isn't yet enclosed for closure.

(and until she can close that part of her life as past and close, then she'll never be able to decide for her own future and live for herself- much less decide if she wanted to return to the Human World or remain in Soul Society)

Because Ichigo didn't ask, they followed and didn't ask yet either, she doesn't voice it, yet-

-and she doesn't like keeping people waiting for a simple answer from herself.

She looks up from her thoughts and it's a black, black sky, and she remembers visiting her brother again in the hospital, and he'd brought up about the taboo topic, not gently but not pushy.

(it's an indicator, and she'll take it)

.

.

.

She wakes up high and early in the morning and is caught by a Kuchiki elder. She bows to said person and the elderly passes by her without a word; she raises an eyebrow, a little put off by lack of insult, a flying word, a dagger. She rises and moves to leave.

"I'm only letting you off because of the Head," the elder whispers venomously. "Don't _ever_ think I've accepted that you're one of us."

Rukia wonders if she's going a little crazy.

(because, she kind of missed this ordeal. kind of- well, she looks up at the sun, she looks forward to changing their perspective, or shoving herself in front of their faces so they'll be stunned-)

_Ah._

_I already know._

.

She catches the eye of a sentry of the Kuchiki tailing behind her. She sighs and goes up to him and _nicely _tells him off, and to tell her brother that she won't get killed. He nods and runs off quickly.

Finally at peace, she continues towards the forest and feels a sense of nostalgia run over her. Her heart beats quickly and she wants to _run_, and it's like the time she chased after Kaien all the time as he stood ahead of her and waited. Her feet carry her to the meadow where they trained and she sees a far off picture of laughter and smiles and sunshine- and rain and blood.

She kneels to Kaien Shiba's grave, and notes that someone's been here already: the incense and flowers laced nicely on top of it.

(she assumes it's Kuukaku and there's a small relief that she hasn't bumped into her; she doesn't feel prepared quite yet.)

It's his death date today, and the second time she ever visits him.

(the first she'd ran into Kuukaku and saw the intense hatred and it'd been terrible to see that expression the second time that she ran off first without a word.)

She speaks to it silently: sorry,sorry,sorry, her current self, reflection, occurrences, now and future; and she thinks he'd understand since it's him she knows. She also prays for his wife on her grave next to his and a sense of burden slightly lifts.

Part one, done- she faces in the direction of their reiatsu and strides onward.

.

.

.

.

There's still this heavy feeling within her and it gets harder to keep walking-

-she wants to run away again.

But the reminder of them waiting and everyone waiting for _her_ pushes her forward; she grits her teeth and keeps going.

And when she finds the two siblings argue, she realizes there's still a cowardly feeling in her, and she can't look into their eyes. Her words, fortunately, do not fail her as she is properly able to convey what she needs to say. Although she knows and doesn't expect forgiveness, it'd still-

...

...

.

.

.

She cries a little.

(and gets punched)

.

.

She notes Ichigo and Orihime behind her, and Ichigo begins talking about her return and to hurry up; and she realizes that she'd already decided: she no longer wants to run away. Here, she's tasted powerlessness more so than ever before, so here, she will improve much more and better protect her friends and Ichigo.

Her home is here.

(she says silently)

.

To her surprise (and relief), Ichigo doesn't say anything in rebuttal, and his eyes speak truth. He accepts her decision and her choice with respect and wholeheartedness-

-and she thinks it's the first time anyone has.

(she smiles)

_Thank you._

.

.

.

.

She says it again, when he departs for his home, and hears the silent gratitude he doesn't say.

_._

_._

_._

_(because of you,_

_it's not raining anymore._

_thank you.)_

_._

_._

_._

_-fin-_

* * *

a/n: thank you very much, guest2 :)


	9. until the end

a/n: dedicated to Keira14; and thank you for inspiring me to write something that fit saviors to death (indirectly as it is) :)

* * *

She's not entirely here, he notes, sitting by her side on a stool. He stares into her empty orbs and wonders if she's actually dead and just pretending to be here.

He catches her eyes and is caught by how nonchalant she is despite having just gone through a massacre.

He debates on whether he should speak now and inform her about the aftermath -and who and why he did all of that that she'd probably consider bullshit- as a brother should.

or, he could say nothing.

(but a Kuchiki isn't a coward, especially the head of the Kuchiki, so really he has to-)

.

.

In the end, he says nothing.

.

.

One week later, she looks at him dead in the eye. He moves back, slightly. She doesn't say a word, but her eyes say it all.

(she _knows_.)

He remains stoic, and wonders if she can hear his heart pounding furiously- and if she does, he doubts she'll care.

She opens her mouth, _fuck. off._

(he takes it as a sign, that she is feeling again, that she can live again-

-except first, he'd have to accept the hatred aimed at him.)

.

.

.

He's wrong.

It's only a week, and she's getting skinnier and her face is sinking inwards and the color of her pupils are withering away.

Still, she stares wide-eyed at him, those gaping eyes that never seem to blink when they peer into him and see the coward behind him.

(veryveryvery_very_ wrong-)

He slams the door behind him and walks off.

.

.

.

Another week later, and he watches her scream in agony, silently, and bears the clawing hands on his face and chest and- the nurses rush to the scene and hold her back down and shoot a tranquilizer down her arm.

He stares at the twisted, sleeping look on his sister's face.

She's thinned out that he can almost see the bones; he muses, she might as well be dead.

He wonders, if assassinating her husband was worth saving the Kuchiki clan's pride, his parent's pride, _his_ pride-

(-that that foul, disgusting, _lowly_ peasant-gangster could make her smile brighter than anything a prestigious man like himself had and could offer.

other assassins shoot by-passers, and as for him, he points the gun at him, and only him-

-and pulls the trigger.)

.

.

(he didn't miss.

he certainly didn't miss seeing the horror on his sister's face and the screaming, the insanity, the ambulance-

-he saw _everything._)

But, he missed seeing the boy at the hospital, missed his death, missed his funeral- not that he'd know if there even _was_ one.

.

.

_no_, is his answer a month later.

_no_, becomes the forefront of his mind when he walks into the hospital and the doctor stands up and leads him to her room. he stills just right outside of the door and the doctor beckons him in with a grim look, he steels himself and walks in-

-her face is covered in that white sheet with the incense placed beside her.

(he recognizes this scene all too well.)

And for the second time in his life-

-he is screaming.

(i should've told her, i should've told her, _i should've told her_)

.

.

He doesn't go to her funeral.

None of the Kuchiki do.

All of them whisper and gossip among themselves that she is a disgrace to them to the very end and, thank goodness she died soon enough to not bring any more disgrace to their name and, and, every word is rambling inside his brain and it's all words that jumble up and scream in his ear.

(but the one thing that clears out all of that is the smile she'd had on her face for the first time in a long time.)

He looks out the garden and drinks sake for the second time in his life.

.

.

Something flashes by across the garden and out of his sight and into the Kuchiki manor, he notes.

He drinks his sake.

Muffled screams, slashes across the neck, the tearing of the bamboo doors, light footsteps, heavy footsteps- he hears them all.

He drinks his sake.

He looks up to the sky and notes that the moon is shining down on him, giving him a luminous glow-

-a perfect target.

He watches his cup fly across the garden and spill its remnants into the pond beyond. He watches the blood drip down his clothes to the ground as the bloodied blade keeps pushing through his chest. He looks up and notes the moon again. He looks behind him-

-_ah_.

.

.

(he never had to say anything.)

.

.

-_fin_-

* * *

a/n: and also, thank you guest 2 :)


	10. blinding

"You ever watch a person get crushed?"

He looks back at her prissy sitting position (_do her legs not go stiff at all?_) with a blank look, not bothered at all. Dramatically cliche, the wind blows between them before dying down and what's left is her and him and their nonchalance.

"No, have you?" he asks, peeling down the orange's cover and setting it beside him. He offers her a piece and she takes it delicately within her two porcelain fingers before swallowing it whole.

"No, not directly anyways." She muses, stretching up her arms, and he thinks the school uniform of Karakura High doesn't represent the age her eyes reveal: old, tired, weary. She looks at him from her position and smirks before leaning down and tracing the dark circles under his eyes. "You're old too."

He feels her finger dig a little into the skin under the eye and he wonders if she sees it too.

.

.

.

_yes_.

.

.

.

"You ever seen a person stabbed?"

He munches on the end of his lollipop and dangles the stick of it between his fingers before tossing it into the trash can. He curses when it taps the end of it and goes over to pick it up and places it into the target. The watermelon flavor consumes his tongue, his throat, down down down.

He takes another lollipop into his mouth, and cringes; he hates grape-flavored shit.

(it was the same flavor his mother gave him that day.

she hears a crunch.)

Her eyes soften and she turns away to look out beyond the rails and imagines the fall from the roof up here; an outstretch of her arms and the air rushing around her as she slams into the concrete and the blood drips all over instead of that person-

"Hey," he scowls, grabbing her back roughly by the arm, away from the rails and her past, "don't you dare go kill yourself."

She sighs and crouches, pouting and steaming, before reaching up; "Lolli-"

He shoves the remaining grape-flavored shit into her mouth; she scowls, and shuts her mouth around it with a 'hmmph'. He knows she hates grape-flavored shit; she glares at him as he watches her with a satisfying smirk.

She considers wiping it off before deciding that this was better than him replaying the scene where she was the one who stabbed his mother.

.

.

.

"You ever watched a person burn to death?"

This time, it's he who asks as the rain piles down with only the edges of the roof towering above them shielding them. The rain splatters down harder and nears the dry edges of their shoes on the concrete.

She giggles, a hand over her mouth, as if trying to control the laughter bubbling within her; and he knows then, the rain indeed does bring out the shine in her eyes, the danger in them, and something more insidious within the deep blueness that could blind just about anybody.

(including him.)

Still laughing, but louder this time, she reaches out towards the rain with outstretched arms, letting the rain shatter her rigid and polite Kuchiki pretense. When she turns, her eyes absorb him in and he feels his blood rush to every corner of his being. She mouths: _yes._

He closes the distance and kisses her.

.

.

.

He spats out the blood gurgling within his mouth to the side and stares at the ground beneath him, the blood darkening the concrete beneath him. It's funny, he thinks, that in his last moments, he'd be thinking about their short conversations; he raises his head and smiles.

.

.

.

_-fin-_

* * *

a/n: don't even know what this is tbh; don't mind meヾ(ーー )


End file.
